First Snow 2014

When Our Sweetie was living with us I got up at five in the morning to get up and get showered before she woke up. I am usually up before the rest of the family. This is how my hubby remembers this day:

I pounce on the bed yelling hysterically "Honey...Kids! UP?...SNOW!"

That is not what happened.

The first snow usually is wet and is gone by 9am. It was 6 in the morning, both kids were up, and I decided that now was the best time to get them out, because later the snow would be mud. I had the kids mostly dressed and I went into the bedroom and calmly and quietly asked Jason if he'd like to get up and join us outside in the snow.

He did eventually come out with us and he forgave me for waking him up so early in the morning.

Our Sweetie was the first kid I have ever seen to crawl in the snow. She was undaunted by the cold white stuff on the ground and just kept on motoring! 

The above photos were adjusted for the low light. The photo below is not. We were out so early that the sun had not completly risen and the world was slightly blue.

"Blizzard" 2015

A mighty stormed rolled through yesterday. It started early in the morning and by bedtime it wasn't quite finished. We recieved about a foot of snow, but when it "fell" it came in horizontally as the winds did not relent all day long. Yesterday it was impossible to get out and enjoy even a few moments of the snow due to the wind. Today some friends came over and we got to climb around in the drifts. 

The littlest one kept doing belly flops into the snow, she could barely move! Unfortunately for our brave mites the snow was not good for fort building, sledding, snow men, or climbing. Fortunately for the ones having to shovel the snow it is light and fluffy.

More storms are expected Friday and Sunday, I guess winter is back!

Fishing

Papa has taken him fishing a couple of times already this year. But, this is the first time I was able to go and take photos. Stomper's concentration is still a little lacking, but he enjoys the togetherness. Papa will try and take him brook fishing if he can find a brook that isn't too full of thorns and brambles. Papa likes to walk the brook as he fishes. I think Stomper would enjoy fishing like that, he loves to be on the move.

This year Stomper has his own fishing pole. He is slowly learning how to cast, but his favorite part is to reel in the line as fast as he can! 

Puddle

Had to have the "talk" with the boy. No, not the one about the "birds and bees", but the one from Uncle Ben's childhood.

"Stomper, we don't drink out of puddles."

"Why?"

"Well, when your Uncle Ben was a little boy he was very sick, he had a bug inside him."

"Why?"

"He drank out of puddles that the dog had peed and pooped in."

"Why?"

"He wanted to."

"Me want to."

"You may go in the puddle. You may not put your nose and mouth in the puddle. Do you understand?"

"Stand, Mommy."

"Ok, go play."

Yes, one winter my brother had a parasite. My Mom took him to the doctor because he had been pooping, a lot. The doctor ran a test and said, "Your son has a parasite that comes from drinking dirty water. Has he been drinking dirty water?" My Mom, not knowing the whole story said, "No."

Later my Mom learned that my brother had been dunking snowballs in a puddle down the hill from the dogs run and then sucking out the water. He reasoned, logically, that the snowball acted like a filter. So, therefore, he was not drinking out of a puddle.

Around here we don't eat snow or drink out of puddles.

But stomping in them, rolling in them, and dunking your head in them, that's ok!

Morning

I am not a morning person. I am far from a morning person. I would much rather sleep until 10 and stay up until 2 in the morning, than get up with the sun. When I was younger if I had to get up early in the morning I would stay up instead of going to sleep so that I wouldn't sleep in past my alarm. When we were first married and had no children my husband worked nights. It was pretty perfect for me. I could get involved with a game, a movie, tv series, or knitting and not be disturbed. Then I'd pass out in bed and he'd join me in a few hours and we would get up and have breakfast together. It was pretty perfect.

Now I have children. Children who get up with the sun and are happy to see it. To this night person it's pretty disgusting. I peek in his room and her crib and they are all smiles. She laughs and giggles and talks to me when I poke my head over the side of her crib. He greets me with "Good Morning Mommy!" and hops out of bed ready to go. 

It would make me grumpy to see them that energetic that early. What I'd like to see is sleepy, groggy, cuddly children first thing in the morning, not joyous, bouncy kangaroos. So then I'd feed them, feed me, snag a quick shower and then by that time I'd be happy. In the meantime we would have a pretty horrible morning. It was not a good pattern to be stuck in.

I knew that something had to give. Then Ira (a pastor at my church) started preaching about love and how we should love people as they need to be loved, not how we want to love. I took it a little further and decided that instead of trying to make my children fit into my morning, I needed to fit into theirs. I needed to love them as they needed to be loved, mother them as they needed to be mothered, not try and make them conform to my mothering ideals.

At the same time a fellow blogger spoke about how on the mornings she got up before her children and read her bible she had a much better day. They all had better days.

And I found Good Morning Girls, which had a free Easter Bible Study.

And then my Mom went away for a week leaving me in charge of daycare, which meant I had to get up.

I could say one thing led to another, but really it was God guiding me to a solution to our grumpy days.

I now get up at 5:30 in the morning.

Yes, this night owl purposely gets up at 5:30 in the morning. I found that if I wait until 6:00 the baby is up and ready for the day. If I leave the room at 5:30 for some reason she will sleep until 6:30 (go figure). I get up, grumping at the distance sliver of a sun, and take my shower. Then I open my bible and remember that first and foremost God loves me. God loves me despite how awful I can be and I'm His child. If He can love me when I don't deserve it, than I can overlook my son's foolish three-year-old antics.

I would like to say that I am always successful; that every day I get up at the right time, take a shower, and read my bible before they get up. But, I'm not. I only managed to get up once this week at 5:30 (today-Thursday) and it has been an awesome day. A day full of strife, stress, and an exhausted three year old. But today I also read about how God ripped the veil top to bottom to signify that we could access Him whenever we need Him, and it is that love that in turn helped me to love him when he was trying to fill the shopping cart with Hamburger Helper.

I would also like to say that I completed the month long study on time and with the group, but I didn't. I haven't even finished the second week. I am not discouraged by this "failure", because change is a process.

My challenge to you is this: take a hard look on your life. Is there someone that you've been trying to love the way you want to love and it hasn't been going so well? Can you instead love them as they need to be loved?

What We've Been Doing

Things are a little hectic on the farm these days. Winter would not let go when we wanted it to and the chicks arrived before the snow was gone. Half of the birds are not where we want them to be. The ducks are in a tote in the kitchen and the new layers are in the broilers "new" coop.

We started the spring the six new layers in a box in the kitchen. We purchased six new ones because we lost a few chickens over the winter; one due to illness and another due to what we think was a birth defect, plus the original Rhode Island Reds are not laying as well. Recently we put the six new chicks where the broilers will be. 

The Broilers also arrived (and spent a brief two weeks in the kitchen) but have since been moved out the brood box in the barn. They will be ready for processing in less than two months.

The Coop Plan for this year: last years turkey coop will become this years layer coop. There are a few modifications that need to be made to the coop. Dad will make a man door and devise a way to add boxes for the chickens to lay eggs in. The fencing will be re-organized to make the turkey yard and most of the current chicken yard into one large yard. Moving the fencing will make the old chicken yard smaller so that the broilers can have a small outdoor space, but not so large that they won't gain the muscle weight required for a meat bird. We are hoping that with an outdoor space to run in the broilers will have larger drumsticks and thighs.

We have ducklings in the kitchen that will hopefully be moved to the blueberry bushes (so they are fenced in) before they are moved to the brood pen in preparation for taking over the pond. And what will happen to the current ducks? We are replacing them. We want friendly ducks, and the two in the pond are not friendly. We've been handling the ducklings a lot and it seems to be working. 

Thankfully we are waiting to get turkeys until summer, because some fencing still needs to repaired, purchased, and put up. 

In addition to all that going on. Dad bred two rabbits and a bunny (for those who don't know around here rabbits are food and bunnies are pets) so in a few short weeks we should have cute fuzzy things!

Not to mention that the garden is finally free of snow!

I have been knitting like a woman possessed. I decided that I would knit Stomper and Our Sweetie matching vests for Easter. The Saturday night before Easter found me weaving in ends. I cannot believe I finished them! In between knitting the two vests I've been working on a test knit. They are this really beautiful pair of fingerless gloves The gloves feature a cable that starts on the forearm and winds around to the top of the wrist. It's really neat. I was able to knit one before I had to set them aside to finish the vests. I will post pictures as soon as I can find a model.

For April vacation we have the teenagers. It was great to have them around for Mimi's annual Easter Egg Hunt. This year she prepared, and Jason and his brother-in-law hid, 300 eggs. The kids had a blast finding them.

Hope your spring is going well too!

Like a Lion

"March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb", that's what the old proverb says. I am hoping that it is true. About a foot fell over the past twenty-four hours. The snow covers most of the blueberry bushes and the five foot fence. We didn't last long outside. The snow is too deep and fluffy to do much with it and the wind turned our cheeks rosy. Stomper got a kick out of touching the roof of the house. The snow falling off the roof has made quite a pile.

Saturday we are hosting an Open House at the Farm. If you live local, stop by!

Around Here

The camera batteries died and I refuse to buy more when I know that the charger for them is somewhere in the mess I call my room. So, I have no "proof" of what we've been up to, you'll just have to take my word for it.

I finished a sweater for Stomper's Build-A-Bear puppy he named Charlie. His response: "No like it Mommy. Too little." Which it wasn't, the sweater was actually a little too big. It looks really cute on Charlie, but Stomper doesn't like it. (As I was writing this he came downstairs with Charlie and the sweater and told me that Charlie was cold and asked that I put it on. Made this Mommy very happy)

Finished a sweater for Our Sweetie too. A small shrug for this spring and summer. It's very cute. I don't really like the yarn though. It's knit picks swish and find that the yarn is too stretchy. It doesn't make a firm fabric. I'm trying out Cascade 220 sport weight to see if I like that better.

For Easter I am making Stomper and Our Sweetie Milo vests. His will be blue and hers will be green. I have wanted to make this vest for a long time and I am very excited. I am also going to be starting a test knit soon, not sure how much I will be allowed to tell you about it. The test knit is something for me.

Our Sweetie just keep growing! It's hard to believe that she's five months already! Still no word on how long we will have her. We have been greatly enjoying all the smiles and belly laughs she gives us.

Stomper is a great big brother and wants to help more than he is able. He likes listening to music, dancing, reading, and playing with his new Jake and the Neverland Pirates "Tree House" that he bought with his own money. He had some Christmas money and a piggy bank full of change that he has been collecting off of Jason. When we took it to the bank to have it counted I thought it would be $20.00 or so. Nope. He had over $40.00 saved up (he had been saving for over a year) so he was able to buy the "Tree House" and two packages of friends. He's been playing with it every day for a week, so it was a good purchase for him.

We have a busy week-end ahead of us. We have an open house at the farm and hopefully some sap boiling. Before the open house we are going to get dumped on with about a foot of snow. Should make things interesting. My parents will be picking up a few chicks (assuming they come in to Tractor Supply) to have for the open house. They will be living in our part of the house until the coop is free. Should prove to be interesting.

I've been hit with a cold and/or allergies. Either way I find myself sitting down with my "Dragon" often to receive nebulizer treatments. Which means that I've been reading quite a bit. I just finished off Unsouled. I don't like how the author left the book, it wraps everything up in a bow, but one that could open up a whole new book. I hope he writes another one. As soon as I can get to the library I will be finishing the Maze Runner series. After that I don't know what to read. 

Other than pining for green grass that's what we've been up to.

Snow

I snuck these photos of Stomper playing with Grandma through the window of the kitchen. The window you can see him standing in is at least four feet off the ground, probably more. Some of the snow is from off the roof. Its a lot of snow. The five foot picketed fence is buried and we can step over the five foot turkey fence easily.

Every time I send him out to play with the school kids he fights me. Every time. In the third photo I put my cowl on him and told him "I am wrapping you in this, its like I'm wrapping you up in my love and I will be out there with you." He still continued to cry while I dressed him, so my ploy didn't work. However, the next time he went out while our Sweetie and I had an appointment I was told  he insisted on wearing it again, so maybe he liked the thought of me being with him after all. Who knows? I certainly can't figure him out. It should be noted that he ALSO fights coming back inside. I think he just hates getting dressed. I don't blame him, its a lot of bulk!

We are trying to enjoy the snow, but wouldn't hate the spring if it came a bit early.

Around Here

I apologize for the lack of photos. My camera is temperamental, apparently its not good to drop it! If it gets sunnier I may be able to take a few nice ones.

Stomper is nearly potty trained. It's only been a couple of weeks, but he is doing really well. We have to remind him to use the potty and a few times he's taken himself. It's a relief to not buy diapers for him anymore. About a year ago when he grew out of the large size gDiapers we made the decision to not buy the next size up. I wish we had, I thought he'd be trained before now. Live and learn. Our method to potty train is to not: not push, not demand, no coerce, and not force him. 

We keep reminding him that he's a big boy and big boys use the potty. When he tells us he wants to be a baby I remind him of all the things that Our Sweetie can't do because she's a baby. He usually changes his mind rather quickly. I've always maintained that it is better to wait for the child to be ready. Recently someone told me there is a window when they are toddlers that you can train them easily, or wait until they are nearly 4. Since he's strong willed, I think waiting was the best for him. So far, so good!

Our Sweetie is just that, a sweetie. She is such a charmer! She smiles at everyone and we are beginning to coax out a chuckle or two. She is healthy and strong, and continues to amaze us. We are still uncertain of her future. We continue to pray that God prepares us to not fight His plans. God works all things for good. Not for our comfort. Whatever the plan is, He will be glorified in it. 

Stomper is handling being a big brother a little better. We have our good days and our bad days. Some days I feel like I'm really nailing this parenting thing and other days I am an utter failure. My husband assures me that I am a wonderful mother, I fail to see it on our bad days. I know what the problem often is, me, my selfishness; the technology I allow to get between me and my children; and all the little things I keep "busy" with. 

I recently read a post by Hands Free Mama that has encouraged me to chant a mantra: "He's only three. He's only three. Take a breath, he's only three." and to not use the computer for more than a radio. I am finding it hard to disconnect. I want some "down time" and a "free moment" to just focus on me. They won't be little for long though, will they, and then I'll have too much time with out them.

With that in mind, my posts may become more infrequent than they already are, but I'll try and post when I can

To My Friend

Dear Friend,

Recently you asked me a serious question about my infertility and instead of giving you a straight answer I gave you the easy one, I told you that I handle it "with tears" and then tried to brush off your questions by saying stupid things so that you would leave me alone.

I'm sorry.

Your question was a serious one and it deserves a serious answer.

Please forgive me for not giving you the answer you deserve.

When I told you I handle it "with tears" this is what I meant:

I don't touch pregnant women, it's too painful. I rarely hold newborns, it breaks my heart. When teens, drug addicts, and others who don't treat their kids well get pregnant I throw my hands up in the air and scream at God: "Why them and not me?" 

Then, at night, when my husband is snoring I cry.

I'm not as angry at God for my empty womb as I once was. I've cried those angry tears enough nights. I realized that what I needed to do was grieve.

Now when I cry after one of my friends get pregnant I cry for my babies never born. For those brilliant blue eyes of my husband I will never see in our own child, for my Grandfather's smile reborn, or my bushy eyebrows on a little toddler's face. I grieve for my husband and I, who will never experience the unique joy of looking at their offspring and proudly saying: "That right there, that goofy walk, it's in his blood, it comes from me." I grieve as if they had been born and tragically passed away. 

Friend, the pain you feel about your empty womb, I doubt it will go away. If it does I suspect it will take years. Even if you adopt, you may still feel this pain. I know this, because even though I have a son, I still mourn my empty womb.

He is my delight and joy and I would never trade him for the world, but a part of me still wishes.

Wishes to feel that first kick, to know what it is like to bring life into this world, and wishes to create a little person: a little bit of me and a little bit of him.

God is good and He knows our pain. He is the only thing that gets me through my grief when it creeps up on me in the night. I cry and I pray and I thank Him for what I do have. For Stomper, for Honey Bee, for the teens who come to visit, for Our Sweetie, for the children I am able to mother because my broken heart is open. 

ER Adventures

Jason and I had a bad parenting moment while we were away over New Years. We had a break down in communication. We stayed in an apartment away from most of the noise while at the Mountain Retreat. I was taking a nap on the 31st while Stomper napped in the next room. Jason thought I had the baby monitor on, I thought he was in the next room and could hear Stomper when he woke up. We were both wrong. I woke up to Stomper crying so I got up and went into his room.

The room smelled strongly of menthol and as I opened the door he dropped a tube on the floor. I assumed it was toothpaste. I demanded, "What are you doing?" He answered, "Eat toothpaste." He had it all over his hands, feet, and face so I took him into the bathroom to clean him up. I reminded him that we only put food in our mouths and went back into the room to get the tube, reciting the number to poison control in my head as I went. I picked up the tube and read the label: Icy/Hot. 

The lady from poison control was helpful and calm. She told me that since I didn't now know for certain how much he had eaten that we should go to the ER to have his aspirin levels checked. 

After about two hours in a hospital room it was determined that Stomper's aspirin levels were ZERO. We all breathed a sigh of relief. We had a lot of fun in our room. Papa played with the gloves and we used Stomper's LeapPad2 to take videos, photos, and make a cartoon. We ended the evening by taking Stomper out to KFC, just to round out our day of bad parenting. 

I was trying to remember the other times I've called Poison Control for this son of mine. The only other time I could remember was when he put a used Clorox Toilet Scrubber in his mouth (he had fished it out of the trash). Is it bad that I have the number to Poison Control memorized?

Somedays

Stomper and I have our bad days. Days where all I say is No: "Don't touch that. Put the kitty down before you hurt her. Please don't step on me. Lay still so I can change you." On and on and on and on and on. We sit and play with his trains or trucks or crayons and it's: "Don't put that in your mouth. You will break that if you step on it. That is not a ball, do not throw it." I am living in the book "No David!" and we both tire of it. 

Some days stretch on forever and it's all I can do to keep my cool until his bedtime.

Supper time is a nightmare. He's tired, I'm tired and hungry, and the men stressed from long days at work. It's not a good time some evenings. Somedays when I go to bed I fight back the tears, doubt, and guilt. I tell my husband that all I ever say to Stomper is "No." I tell him I feel like a horrible mother. I tell him I feel like a monster. He assures me time and time again that I'm a good mother. Some days I believe him.

In bed I rewind the day and review each "No." I question myself. Was there a better way to say that, to do that, to help him? Am I not involved enough, too much, do I keep him too busy? Is his temperament my fault, am I ruining him?

On one of our rough days in the last few weeks Jason came home and could tell I was at the end of my rope. He suggested a walk outside. Stomper screamed non-sense at us. We forced the little guy outside. He fought getting shoes on. He screamed. He cried when we took him outside. He screamed some more. I gave him an apple, he told me it was yucky. Then he ate it.

We went for a walk he screamed at us around bites of apple.

Then slowly the apple disappeared into his belly. He hit stuff with a stick as Papa worked on clearing a path through the brambles. For a moment the sun came out and it felt like we were going to be all right.

Those nights when he passes out from exhaustion from fighting with me all day I try to remind myself that this is just a small moment in a long life. I tell myself while I review my day and consider what I could have done better, that I am doing my best.

And in the morning I work at remembering to use the tools I have learned: 

• Love is patient (take a breath before redirecting unwanted behavior), 
• Love is kind (no yelling, no name calling, let the "discipline fit the crime"), 
• It does not want what belongs to others (when we are having a bad day don't compare him in my thoughts to other children, he is his own person, he learns differently, behaves differently, plays differently, and that is all right),
• It does not brag, It is not proud (sometimes even Mommy needs to say "I was wrong."),
• It is not rude (I watch my words and actions and behave appropriately, even when redirecting or disciplining him, when I am often at my weakest), 
• It does not look out for its own interests (his needs are more important than mine, I need to look at things from his point-of-view more often),
• It does not easily become angry (get more sleep and this will be easier, spend more time with God and this will be easier, be less "busy" and this will be easier) 
• It does not keep track of other people’s wrongs (his memory is short, mine should be shorter),
• Love is not happy with evil. But it is full of joy when the truth is spoken (praise him when he does something right!)
• It always protects (if he is not exposed to certain behaviors he will be less likely to act them out, if I am not exposed to certain attitudes I will be less likely to act them out),
• It always trusts. It always hopes. 
• It never gives up (God hasn't given up on me, I won't give up on me either),
• Love never fails. 

I Corinthians 13

My Mom tells me time and time again that my brother was the same way at Stompers age. I don't remember Ben being spanked every day, but Mom says that some days she felt like all she did was spank him. I cling to the knowledge that this season will pass.

And I remember his smile, his hugs and kisses, how he loves me to sing to him every night, snuggling in bed and watching Elmo far too early in the morning, reading and rereading his favorite books, the sound of his voice when he is playing with his trains, his laughter when I tickle him, the funny way he jumps, his boundless energy:

Oh how I love this little boy that God sent us!

Someday I will look back on this rough time and know that the hard work was worth it. I will look back and wonder how I could have ever thought I was a bad mother.