21 Weeks and Counting

How is the pregnancy going?

Good. I am adjusting to the changes.

I have hit the "offical" halfway mark of 21 weeks. According to the host of emails of pregnancy updates I get our little Cashew is proportionate and putting on weight and length.

Timing

Photos taken from our Fall Getaway 2014

God's timing is perfect.

Of course it is. Why do I always forget this?

As a teenager I wanted my children to be spaced pretty close together, no further than three years was my goal. And I wanted an even dozen, which was whittled down to ten, then six, and finally my perfect number of kids: four.

This past summer, after a lot of prayer and not "hearing" a no from God, we started the journey to becoming pregnant. At the time we were in the middle of Our Sweeties time with us and we were still uncertain f we would be able to adopt her. 

I did not ask God to bless our choice. Instead I prayed, "God, if you want this to happen, then let it happen. If not, then I know you will make another way to increase our family size."

In the meantime I continued to fill out the paper work to become Foster Parents officially and renew/update our license (it had lapsed since we moved). 

Sometime around September I received a call from a case worker about coming to the house to inspect it. I asked if we could still have a license with the daycare in the home. The case worker had to double check and I was told I would get a call back.

November we received word that Our Sweetie would be reunited with her Birth Family. She went to live with them permanently December 1st.

December 4th I took a pregnancy and I was pregnant!

Mid-December I got a call back from a case worker (a new one) to say he was coming to inspect us in January. I asked, again, about the daycare and he said he'd check and call back.

Mid-January the case worker called back and said that we couldn't be licensed because a home could not have dual licenses. 

What does this have to do with God's timing?

When I got the "all clear" from God to try again He knew that Our Sweetie wouldn't be with us forever and that taking Foster Children into our home was not a viable option. He knew that for a while increase our family size would have to happen through "conventional" avenues. He even took into account that I don't want large spans of time between my children and allowed me to get pregnant before we fully understood the obstacles before us. 

He keeps showing me over and over again that He listens to the desires of my heart. Granted Stomper and the Baby aren't as close in age as I would have liked, but our family size is increasing!

Thank you Father for all the little and major 

ways that You continue to show me how 

much You love me!

Coming Soon

We are very excited to announce that after nearly six years of trying, God has answered a cry of our hearts. As my Mother said, we are expecting a baby the "conventional" way. Sometime in August we will be welcoming an baby into our home once again!

I am very excited to be opening this new chapter in our lives. You can look forward to more pregnancy related posts in the very near future!

To My Friend

Dear Friend,

Recently you asked me a serious question about my infertility and instead of giving you a straight answer I gave you the easy one, I told you that I handle it "with tears" and then tried to brush off your questions by saying stupid things so that you would leave me alone.

I'm sorry.

Your question was a serious one and it deserves a serious answer.

Please forgive me for not giving you the answer you deserve.

When I told you I handle it "with tears" this is what I meant:

I don't touch pregnant women, it's too painful. I rarely hold newborns, it breaks my heart. When teens, drug addicts, and others who don't treat their kids well get pregnant I throw my hands up in the air and scream at God: "Why them and not me?" 

Then, at night, when my husband is snoring I cry.

I'm not as angry at God for my empty womb as I once was. I've cried those angry tears enough nights. I realized that what I needed to do was grieve.

Now when I cry after one of my friends get pregnant I cry for my babies never born. For those brilliant blue eyes of my husband I will never see in our own child, for my Grandfather's smile reborn, or my bushy eyebrows on a little toddler's face. I grieve for my husband and I, who will never experience the unique joy of looking at their offspring and proudly saying: "That right there, that goofy walk, it's in his blood, it comes from me." I grieve as if they had been born and tragically passed away. 

Friend, the pain you feel about your empty womb, I doubt it will go away. If it does I suspect it will take years. Even if you adopt, you may still feel this pain. I know this, because even though I have a son, I still mourn my empty womb.

He is my delight and joy and I would never trade him for the world, but a part of me still wishes.

Wishes to feel that first kick, to know what it is like to bring life into this world, and wishes to create a little person: a little bit of me and a little bit of him.

God is good and He knows our pain. He is the only thing that gets me through my grief when it creeps up on me in the night. I cry and I pray and I thank Him for what I do have. For Stomper, for Honey Bee, for the teens who come to visit, for Our Sweetie, for the children I am able to mother because my broken heart is open. 

Looking Back

Since I am away from home and cannot upload photos, but I can get on-line I thought we'd have a bit of a review. I went through some of my old posts. I don't have any from June of 2008 because I wasn't blogging then so instead I went back to the oldest one I had.


Our Story Begins (September 2008)

"What I found gave me hope. I found a slew of other women with PCOS that have gotten pregnant, with out this fourth drug that I'm taking (yes I'm on four pills right now!) so tomorrow (sept 2) I'm going to give my doc a call and see if I can stop taking this 6 month pill and go straight to the baby making!"

June 1, 2009

"I just found out that a couple who were married on the same day as us are pregnant. That makes the count 4. Jason and I are holding off on testing or anything because I just can't take it anymore. I need a break. August will make a year and then we will be calling a Doc." *

Changing My Mind (June 13, 2010)

"Wednesday after class** we received in the mail two bios on two sets of brothers who are available for adoption.

My heart melted and my mind changed.

I am more than willing to adopt.

Not yet. Not until I am done with work."

*We decided to stop using meds around March 2010 because I could not take the emotional rollercoaster anymore. It was the best decision we could have made.
**Foster Parenting Class becaue we were not using meds or docs to try and have kids we thought that while we waited on God, we'd help kids out by Fostering them. Check here and here and here for some more posts on Fostering

Round 5 with Clomid

Taking an ovulation predictor kit this time around.

Maybe I'll ovulate?

The Joys of a House

We have been living in our new house for a little over two months.

Here is a few things I have learned.

1. Oil is expensive

2. Turning down the hot water tank will save on propane

3. 60 people will fit in my house

4. There is no insulation in the walls

5. The neighbor is friendly enough to pick me up off the side of the street and take me home when I am broken down

6. The pellet stove won't quite heat the whole house.

7. Buying pellets for the stove cost 1/2 as much as oil.

8. I can live and be happy in a chilly house

9. I love having a house

10. The power company charges you twice for electricity!

We will be going to Bermuda on a cruise in April! Jason's mother bought us all (there are 7 of us) cruise tickets! Can't wait!

No news on the baby front. We'll be going to the next dose of Clomid soon. After these next two rounds if I'm not pregnant then we will be saving up some pennies for some tests...

Round 4 with Clomid

I'm feeling a little frustrated. I'm feeling a little worried that it's not going to work. I'm worried that if the clomid doesn't work that we won't be able to afford other treatments.

Pregnant?

I think I'm seeing a pregnant "sign" ...

 So far no positive pregnancy tests yet. I'm going to try again in the morning and if it's still negative I'm calling the dr to get a blood test done.

Very frustrated right now.

If not this month then next, right?

Maybe it Worked?

I have a good feeling about this month.

We'll see.

I took a test this morning, but it was negative, but I'm most likely too early anyway. I had a random vomiting episode very early Wednesday night and it seems like I can't eat dairy or tomato's anymore... maybe someone is screwing with my system?

Clomid Round 3

I had a period this month, with out taking period pills, it was very exciting!

I started round 3 with a little more hope than the past rounds. My dose is twice as much as before and so far I've only had one day when I was really crabby because of it. I was also a bit nauseous too from the meds, but otherwise I've been doing great.

The house buying is an uphill battle. We are so close and yet so far! The cesspool needs an inspection and that will be on Tuesday then a survey of the land needs to be done. We are hoping to be in the new house before Thanksgiving which so happens to be my birthday!

Round 2 with Clomid

Started taking Clomid again today. I'm going to try and be real dilligent about taking it at the same time every day. I'm shooting for noon when I take my other pills.

House

Jason and I think we've found a house! If all goes well the closing date is Oct 28th!

TTC

Still not pregnant.

Going to start another round of meds soon.

People keep telling me "Practicing is the fun part." I used to believe this, but, it's not true. The "fun part" would be having the baby, or being pregnant. It almost sounds like: "Enjoy sex now while you can, because once you succeed your life is over!" or that having a baby is a bad thing.

Here is another: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"

What I want to hear sounds more like this: "It will happen, in God's timing."

But I suppose that at this point no matter what people tell me, I'll still feel frustrated.

Multiple Briths with Clomid

So I just did some research on Clomid and this is what I came up with..

The frequency of twins occurring in women who conceive while taking clomiphene or letrozole has been reported to be as high as 10%. Triplets may occur as frequently as 1 in 400 births, and quadruplets in 1 in 800 births.

Jason is almost excited as I am to be seriously trying now. While we were on vacation he looked at my cousins baby and said "I want one more now."

"More than before?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Why?"

"I saw J with his daughter and I want that."

I smiled, "Good."

He is going to be a good Dad. Despite what he thinks. Today I sort of tossed one of the daycare infants who happened to be eating a bottle at the time at him and had him feed the kid. He was bewildered, but he handle himself and the baby just fine. I'm so proud of him. I love him so very much!

The Hamlins went to the Dr and the Dr Said..

Thursday was our first visit to the fertility doc in our area. All I wanted out of her was Clomid because everything I've been reading has told me that the "magic" formula is progesterone (to have a period), clomid (to make eggs), and Metformin to "hedge the bet". The problem was only a fertility doc can write scripts for Clomid and so we have been waiting and waiting and waiting.

But the wait is over. We now have clomid.

I'll keep you posted as to how it will effect me. I have heard some horror stories of the emotional roller coaster it puts you on :( . Oh, and here are the super fun side effects...

hot flashes

nausea

vomiting

breast tenderness

dizziness

lightheadedness

headache

or

mood changes

Oh, and did I forget to tell you??

Using this medicine may result in multiple pregnancy (twins, etc.)

Today I was texting my cousin who has traveled this road before to find out that it wasn't possible for her and her hubby to have kids (they both have issues) and said that triplets are more common than twins. I'm going to check this out tonight. I don't want three at a time!!

3, 2, or 1 I'll take what God will give me!

Update

Dieting:

So the eating style is coming around good. I haven't weighed myself yet so I don't know what my starting weight even is! I plan on doing that tomorrow. My mom was telling me that she can't eat carbs because of the "let down" when the carbs/sugar leaves the system. I believed her but didn't think much of it.

Last week I ate a steak bomb which was surrounded in bread and smothered in cheese. That night I was very cranky. I don't eat carbs anymore because of what it does to me. That make "dieting" much easier.

I put a bag of almonds by the computer so I would snack on them insted of junk food like chips or prezles or cereal. That is helping too because I get full. Jason has been really great about getting on board with this eating plan. He has been very supportive!

Debt:

Instead of getting out of debt, Jason and I decided to buy a car. *lol* However, the loan in 3.38% for 2.5 years so as far as loans go itsn't not horrible.

The new car is a 2005 Chevy Impala and I LOVE it! It drives and rides like a dream!

TTC:

I just found out that a couple who were married on the same day as us are pregnant. That makes the count 4. Jason and I are holding off on testing or anything because I just can't take it anymore. I need a break. August will make a year and then we will be calling a Doc.

Weight

For a long time I have known that my fertility issues could and probably are linked to my weight issues. I have been lost though where to start. Do I try a gimmick to loose the weight only to bounce back into a bad weight once I got preggo? Do I try a fad diet or a service like Jenny Craig?

We all know that the key to loosing weight and keeping it off is to have good eating habits and exercise. In both categories I lack, big time.

However, I really want to get preggo and we are coming up on a year here....

My mom has started a new "eating style" (not a diet, I refuse to call it as such). That she got out of a book she got from a friend. I can't remember the name perhaps something like "The Paleo Diet". Paleo refers to prehistoric man and how they ate (yes, we laugh all the time about it to). There is this bunch of nonsense about monkeys deciding to eat meat and became man....yada yada yada. The gist is this. Grains as we know them today are not all that great for us. Back before we refined all the goodness out of them and they were these hard crusty things they might have been all right, but as we eat them today not so good. (I am paraphrasing off of what Mom has told me, I haven't read the book)

What we should be eating is lean meats, fish, and fresh fruits & veggies. No starches, no potatoes (though I don't quite understand why Paleo Man didn't have potatoes), no bread, no cereal, no dairy, you get the idea.

But the stuff you can have, you can have all you want. If you want to sit down to a meal of 3 pork chops and a bowl of strawberries then go for it! There is no starving yourself, no counting anything, no growling tummy at 3am in the morning.

My mom, my dad, my sister, and my brother have all lost inches on this "eating style". When Ben showed me that his pants were too big that sold me on it. Jason and I are now going to try to eat this way.

We'll see how it goes.

I'll keep you posted.

Feeling Frustrated

Sometimes I really don't like my body.

I just wish that I could get on a normal cycle. I really, really, really thought I ovulated, but maybe I didn't. I'm on like week 6 of my cycle and I've taken 3 prego tests and they are all negative. I just wish that if I wasn't prego that I'd at least bleed. That'd give me a drop of hope that in the future I could get prego.

There is a mom at the daycare I run and she means well, but every week she asks me about my cycle. When I told her that I was on week six she said "I'm buying you a test." I said: "Thanks, but I have one that I'm taking on Sunday and it will be my third." She shut-up. She said that when she wasn't even trying and she'd be late and take a test and it be negative that she'd cry. I told her that I've been crying every third. Which was an improvement from every time.

August will mark a year that we've been trying and that's when we'll get "aggressive" with trying. Also in August Jason will have been at his new job for several months and will be "settled".

*sigh*

On a positive note it looks like (if all goes according to plan--I know, I know I can hear God laughing too) we will be out of debt by no later than the first of June. Including credit cards and Jason's college bill (he went for a WHOLE month! lol before deciding that college was not for him).

I'm hanging in there and remembering that God's got the whole world in his hands!

Getting Ahead of Myself

I know that I am just getting geared up to be sad but...

Pretty certain that on the 12th I ovulated (if the amazing pain I felt in my uterus area was what that was) and today the 19th I'm all crampy which could be nesting....

so I'm excited for the 28th when I can test...

I know that most likely I'm not prego, but, I'm still hopeful.....

Might have Ovulated

Jason and I had agreed to not "aggressively try" for the next few months until he knows what is going on with his job. BUT. I think I've ovulated so I want to chart it so bad to see when to test (I'm going to test at the end of the month anyway)...I'm just super excited. Excited that here is the first "real" chance we have had to get pregnant and excited that my body could possibly be on board with this whole menstral cylce thing! Yea!

The friend that was recently pregnant told me today that they went for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat :( She sounds pretty upbeat, more upbeat than I would be, but it wasn't all that recent so maybe she's gone through her grieving proccess. Poor girl.