After the first class Jason told me that he'd like to adopt. That his goal of Foster Care was to find a child to adopt. I'm on the fence.
Why am I on the fence to adopt?
I've been trying for the past few weeks to figure out what is going on inside my head.
I think I'm worried about bonding. It is likely that we could have a child in our home who is old enough to remember their birth mother. They will always and forever be comparing me to her, and wanting to be with her (no matter how horrible she was to them the Foster Care Teacher keeps telling us). I can't compete with that. I know it's not a competition of who is the better mother, but it will feel like it is.
I still have this fantasy of having my own child and what that will be like .. Jason and I have names picked out for them .. and I'm not giving up that dream just yet. I just sort of feel that saying "Yes" to adoption somehow means I'm saying "No" to having biological children. I know that anything can happen. I know that letting go of my fantasy and letting God do His will that it will all be all right.
I just can't get my heart to agree.