24 Weeks

To be honest these photos are about a week old, but its close enough.

She is definitely growing and people are noticing her. I am adjusting better to my more rounder body. Wearing clothes that shows her off helps. I still have a hard time when I see my weight at the doctors office, but I know it is for a good cause!

I have been diagnosed with chronic hypertension. It is not bad enough to warrant any medicine, but enough that it has the doctors concern. One way that they ensure that the baby is still doing all right is to do monthly ultra sounds to check her growth and amniotic fluid, so we will get to see her more! I am trying to not stress about being hypertensive (which is counter productive). I heard a great tip at a women's conference about worry. Every time you worry, pray about it, every time. It  keeps me in constant contact with my Savior!

My sister-in-law had her baby (a girl) over the week-end in the same hospital and room as Stomper! Being there reminded Jason and I how much we enjoyed our stay there. After talking with the nurse manager we decided to switch hospitals. The biggest draw for me is  that at the new hospital you can pick who delivers you (as long as the doctor is not on vacation, out of town, or sick when you go in). At the other hospital you get what you get and you try not to get upset if it is a doctor you don't like. Plus, with my hypertension I'd like to be cared for by just one doctor, one doctor who knows my history inside and out.

She is moving all the time! Just yesterday I started feeling her while standing up. Before yesterday I only felt her when I was sitting or laying down. It has got to be the most awesome feeling in the world. A few days ago Jason was able to feel her too. I cannot wait until her kicks are strong enough for Stomper to feel.

Stomper held his new baby cousin on his own, I was right  there of course. He loved rocking her and singing to her, she  just stared at him as if memorizing his face. He is going to be a great big-brother to a newborn.

21 Weeks and Counting

How is the pregnancy going?

Good. I am adjusting to the changes.

I have hit the "offical" halfway mark of 21 weeks. According to the host of emails of pregnancy updates I get our little Cashew is proportionate and putting on weight and length.

First Snow 2014

When Our Sweetie was living with us I got up at five in the morning to get up and get showered before she woke up. I am usually up before the rest of the family. This is how my hubby remembers this day:

I pounce on the bed yelling hysterically "Honey...Kids! UP?...SNOW!"

That is not what happened.

The first snow usually is wet and is gone by 9am. It was 6 in the morning, both kids were up, and I decided that now was the best time to get them out, because later the snow would be mud. I had the kids mostly dressed and I went into the bedroom and calmly and quietly asked Jason if he'd like to get up and join us outside in the snow.

He did eventually come out with us and he forgave me for waking him up so early in the morning.

Our Sweetie was the first kid I have ever seen to crawl in the snow. She was undaunted by the cold white stuff on the ground and just kept on motoring! 

The above photos were adjusted for the low light. The photo below is not. We were out so early that the sun had not completly risen and the world was slightly blue.

Coming Soon

We are very excited to announce that after nearly six years of trying, God has answered a cry of our hearts. As my Mother said, we are expecting a baby the "conventional" way. Sometime in August we will be welcoming an baby into our home once again!

I am very excited to be opening this new chapter in our lives. You can look forward to more pregnancy related posts in the very near future!

Peace

Peace

I think we often view peace as the absence of conflict. We think of wars ending, quiet valleys, and humanity getting along with each other.

I have a verse in Job I go to when I am not at peace with God to remind me that God is to be trusted: “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”. Whatever it is that God has planned for my life I am assured that it is for my good, not my comfort, and it will bring Him glory.

Last December we received a call that an infant girl needed a home. This was not the first time we had received a call like that. Two years prior just before Halloween we had been asked to bring a newborn home from the hospital. We loved her for seven weeks before sending her to live with another Foster Family just before Christmas.

Like the time before we said “yes”. Yes we would welcome a child into our home. As I fell on my knees in my bedroom I begged God, “Do not take this baby from me. I don’t think my heart can take much more pain.”

“Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.” Peace flooded over me and I knew that we would be all right. I assumed of course, hoped, that this peace meant that God was going to give me exactly what I wanted.

Over the next eleven months there were moments when I felt that God was going to do exactly what I wanted, that we would get to adopt her. Our Sweetie would be a Hamlin and our family complete. 

There were other times too that it seemed that God wasn’t going to let us keep her, but I kept coming back to that first initial peace.

Then the call came. My dreams, my peace, was shattered. Our Sweetie was not meant to share our last name. Where was that peace I had felt?

I am hurt, confused, and angry with God. I want my happy ending. Where is my peace?

For a time I really questioned the validity of trusting God. It would be far less painful if I took my own fate in my hands and took what I wanted, not wait on God. Being a Christian hardly ever gets you what you want, what is the point?

He gave me a new vision of peace. Having peace with God, resting in God’s peace, is not the absence of conflict; it is a raging ocean. On the surface are my raw emotions, what my heart is feeling: hurt, pain, confusion, and anger. Down deep in the depths is the peace, the calm, which comes from understanding and remembering that God really does have everything under control.

My Mom reminded me of a verse in Mark that illustrates this: “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

I have peace. Some days I really have to dive down deep to find it, but it is there. His peace reassures me that no matter what happens, that He is in control. 

Lego My Cake

Elle turned Eight! 

She requested a Lego cake so I went to my usual source of inspiration: pinterest. You can check out the different Lego cakes I found on my Kids Stuff Board. The following three cakes were my inspiration: Lego Brick Birthday Cake, Easy Lego Brick Cake, Building Blocks Cake, and Walmart's lack of availability of bricks because I really wanted to make a cake that looked like a Cake Construction Site. 

Even though it didn't come out exactly like I wanted I still think it came out just fine. She was thrilled when I revealed it to her, so I guess I did all right.

Fishing

Papa has taken him fishing a couple of times already this year. But, this is the first time I was able to go and take photos. Stomper's concentration is still a little lacking, but he enjoys the togetherness. Papa will try and take him brook fishing if he can find a brook that isn't too full of thorns and brambles. Papa likes to walk the brook as he fishes. I think Stomper would enjoy fishing like that, he loves to be on the move.

This year Stomper has his own fishing pole. He is slowly learning how to cast, but his favorite part is to reel in the line as fast as he can! 

Puddle

Had to have the "talk" with the boy. No, not the one about the "birds and bees", but the one from Uncle Ben's childhood.

"Stomper, we don't drink out of puddles."

"Why?"

"Well, when your Uncle Ben was a little boy he was very sick, he had a bug inside him."

"Why?"

"He drank out of puddles that the dog had peed and pooped in."

"Why?"

"He wanted to."

"Me want to."

"You may go in the puddle. You may not put your nose and mouth in the puddle. Do you understand?"

"Stand, Mommy."

"Ok, go play."

Yes, one winter my brother had a parasite. My Mom took him to the doctor because he had been pooping, a lot. The doctor ran a test and said, "Your son has a parasite that comes from drinking dirty water. Has he been drinking dirty water?" My Mom, not knowing the whole story said, "No."

Later my Mom learned that my brother had been dunking snowballs in a puddle down the hill from the dogs run and then sucking out the water. He reasoned, logically, that the snowball acted like a filter. So, therefore, he was not drinking out of a puddle.

Around here we don't eat snow or drink out of puddles.

But stomping in them, rolling in them, and dunking your head in them, that's ok!

My Eczema Relief

I have allergies. All sorts of environmental allergies. Most of the time I don't notice them, accept when I do and I can't breathe. Thankfully there are medications I can take so that I can breathe every day just like the average person. Unfortunately allergies and asthma are often joined with eczema, which I also have.

My eczema is strange. It is only on two fingers of my right hand: the pointer and the ring finger. That's it. Do you know how much you use your pointer finger for? A lot. My finger will crack, peel, bleed, and itch like a demon. I have a steroid cream I can use, but I don't like using it around my kids. The steroid cream strips my finger of skin and it sometimes takes a long time for my skin to grow back. I tried lotions, but they made my eczema weap. I tried coconut oil, but it would only work for a short time and it was so greasy. I was pretty miserable.

A few months ago my loving MIL bought each of her daughters a little surprise gift package from Julie of Stitch Pray Love. Lotions and lip balms came right to our door. My MIL told me that people have had amazing results with Julies lotions. I was skeptical, but desperate. I tried it, and to my delight my eczema didn't weep. In fact it got better and eventually healed! Imagine my delight!

Recently I ran out and I had to buy some more (of course I was also foolish during this time and put my hands in soapy dishwasher which made my eczema freak out). I was several days with out a lotion stick (my fault not Julies) and I was becoming miserable. Then the mail came with my order. I quickly ripped open the package and put it on. 

In hours my skin was already feeling better. Hours! 

If you were like me and are searching for some miracle, natural cure for your eczema, check out Julie's shop. You won't be disappointed.

Morning

I am not a morning person. I am far from a morning person. I would much rather sleep until 10 and stay up until 2 in the morning, than get up with the sun. When I was younger if I had to get up early in the morning I would stay up instead of going to sleep so that I wouldn't sleep in past my alarm. When we were first married and had no children my husband worked nights. It was pretty perfect for me. I could get involved with a game, a movie, tv series, or knitting and not be disturbed. Then I'd pass out in bed and he'd join me in a few hours and we would get up and have breakfast together. It was pretty perfect.

Now I have children. Children who get up with the sun and are happy to see it. To this night person it's pretty disgusting. I peek in his room and her crib and they are all smiles. She laughs and giggles and talks to me when I poke my head over the side of her crib. He greets me with "Good Morning Mommy!" and hops out of bed ready to go. 

It would make me grumpy to see them that energetic that early. What I'd like to see is sleepy, groggy, cuddly children first thing in the morning, not joyous, bouncy kangaroos. So then I'd feed them, feed me, snag a quick shower and then by that time I'd be happy. In the meantime we would have a pretty horrible morning. It was not a good pattern to be stuck in.

I knew that something had to give. Then Ira (a pastor at my church) started preaching about love and how we should love people as they need to be loved, not how we want to love. I took it a little further and decided that instead of trying to make my children fit into my morning, I needed to fit into theirs. I needed to love them as they needed to be loved, mother them as they needed to be mothered, not try and make them conform to my mothering ideals.

At the same time a fellow blogger spoke about how on the mornings she got up before her children and read her bible she had a much better day. They all had better days.

And I found Good Morning Girls, which had a free Easter Bible Study.

And then my Mom went away for a week leaving me in charge of daycare, which meant I had to get up.

I could say one thing led to another, but really it was God guiding me to a solution to our grumpy days.

I now get up at 5:30 in the morning.

Yes, this night owl purposely gets up at 5:30 in the morning. I found that if I wait until 6:00 the baby is up and ready for the day. If I leave the room at 5:30 for some reason she will sleep until 6:30 (go figure). I get up, grumping at the distance sliver of a sun, and take my shower. Then I open my bible and remember that first and foremost God loves me. God loves me despite how awful I can be and I'm His child. If He can love me when I don't deserve it, than I can overlook my son's foolish three-year-old antics.

I would like to say that I am always successful; that every day I get up at the right time, take a shower, and read my bible before they get up. But, I'm not. I only managed to get up once this week at 5:30 (today-Thursday) and it has been an awesome day. A day full of strife, stress, and an exhausted three year old. But today I also read about how God ripped the veil top to bottom to signify that we could access Him whenever we need Him, and it is that love that in turn helped me to love him when he was trying to fill the shopping cart with Hamburger Helper.

I would also like to say that I completed the month long study on time and with the group, but I didn't. I haven't even finished the second week. I am not discouraged by this "failure", because change is a process.

My challenge to you is this: take a hard look on your life. Is there someone that you've been trying to love the way you want to love and it hasn't been going so well? Can you instead love them as they need to be loved?

Like a Lion

"March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb", that's what the old proverb says. I am hoping that it is true. About a foot fell over the past twenty-four hours. The snow covers most of the blueberry bushes and the five foot fence. We didn't last long outside. The snow is too deep and fluffy to do much with it and the wind turned our cheeks rosy. Stomper got a kick out of touching the roof of the house. The snow falling off the roof has made quite a pile.

Saturday we are hosting an Open House at the Farm. If you live local, stop by!

Around Here

The camera batteries died and I refuse to buy more when I know that the charger for them is somewhere in the mess I call my room. So, I have no "proof" of what we've been up to, you'll just have to take my word for it.

I finished a sweater for Stomper's Build-A-Bear puppy he named Charlie. His response: "No like it Mommy. Too little." Which it wasn't, the sweater was actually a little too big. It looks really cute on Charlie, but Stomper doesn't like it. (As I was writing this he came downstairs with Charlie and the sweater and told me that Charlie was cold and asked that I put it on. Made this Mommy very happy)

Finished a sweater for Our Sweetie too. A small shrug for this spring and summer. It's very cute. I don't really like the yarn though. It's knit picks swish and find that the yarn is too stretchy. It doesn't make a firm fabric. I'm trying out Cascade 220 sport weight to see if I like that better.

For Easter I am making Stomper and Our Sweetie Milo vests. His will be blue and hers will be green. I have wanted to make this vest for a long time and I am very excited. I am also going to be starting a test knit soon, not sure how much I will be allowed to tell you about it. The test knit is something for me.

Our Sweetie just keep growing! It's hard to believe that she's five months already! Still no word on how long we will have her. We have been greatly enjoying all the smiles and belly laughs she gives us.

Stomper is a great big brother and wants to help more than he is able. He likes listening to music, dancing, reading, and playing with his new Jake and the Neverland Pirates "Tree House" that he bought with his own money. He had some Christmas money and a piggy bank full of change that he has been collecting off of Jason. When we took it to the bank to have it counted I thought it would be $20.00 or so. Nope. He had over $40.00 saved up (he had been saving for over a year) so he was able to buy the "Tree House" and two packages of friends. He's been playing with it every day for a week, so it was a good purchase for him.

We have a busy week-end ahead of us. We have an open house at the farm and hopefully some sap boiling. Before the open house we are going to get dumped on with about a foot of snow. Should make things interesting. My parents will be picking up a few chicks (assuming they come in to Tractor Supply) to have for the open house. They will be living in our part of the house until the coop is free. Should prove to be interesting.

I've been hit with a cold and/or allergies. Either way I find myself sitting down with my "Dragon" often to receive nebulizer treatments. Which means that I've been reading quite a bit. I just finished off Unsouled. I don't like how the author left the book, it wraps everything up in a bow, but one that could open up a whole new book. I hope he writes another one. As soon as I can get to the library I will be finishing the Maze Runner series. After that I don't know what to read. 

Other than pining for green grass that's what we've been up to.

In this Moment :: Love

I've been thinking a lot about love and mothering lately. I don't have any concrete thoughts that would translate well, so I've made a list. 

This is what I have been trying to do

• Get up before them
• That means I set my alarm for 6:30, get up to it, and take a shower. If I'm lucky I might even be able to start the coffee (or warm up yesterdays). If I'm really, really lucky I might be able to have a morning chat with my mom with no little ones hanging off me.
• Remember to love them with God's love
• This means my agenda is their agenda. My children are more important than: laundry, dishes, clean laundry, made beds, folded laundry, and my knitting. 
• This also means I often chant "He's only three. He's only three."
• Lower my expectations for his behavior. He's had a rough winter with teenagers living in his house for a couple of months and now a little sister that takes up all of Mommy's time.
• Remember that God sacrificed everything to me and loves me unconditionally.
• Shut off the screen
• We have a new rule since the beginning of the year. TV's and computers are for "dark" in this house. Unless we are watching something together.
• Shutting off the screen has been a tremendous help. I still slip up sometimes, but I'm getting better.

These are things I want to do more 

• Read my Bible.
• Seriously, I can spend how many hours playing stupid games on Facebook, but have no time for God? How lame am I?
• Listen to the Sermon on-line. (Bean's Corner Sunday Morning Sermon)
• Often on Sunday morning I am busy chasing Stomper, teaching in a class, or caring for Our Sweetie so I don't often hear the sermon. 
• Especially right now I think this is important because Ira is teaching on love, I need to hear these messages!
• Spend time one-on-one with Stomper -- every day
• I miss him sometimes. Tuesday we have visits locally and I leave in the morning, but I don't see him until after nap. Then he goes to his Mimi's on Wednesday nights so I don't see him until supper on Thursday. I miss my boy.
• Include Stomper in my daily activities
• Yes, having a three year old do your dishes is effective, but time consuming. I think if I let him help me more we'd have better weeks.

That's what's been rolling around in my head.

All-in-all what I want is to know that my children feel loved. Jason assures me that I am a wonderful mother, the best actually, but I always feel like I've really blown it at times. I know that feeling like you're failing is natural and normal, but I'd like to feel it less often. I'd like to know that I am doing my best, and I don't feel like I am.

I do know that mothering is a learning process and I won't ever be perfect.

Thankfully God loves me despite my imperfections.

Snow

I snuck these photos of Stomper playing with Grandma through the window of the kitchen. The window you can see him standing in is at least four feet off the ground, probably more. Some of the snow is from off the roof. Its a lot of snow. The five foot picketed fence is buried and we can step over the five foot turkey fence easily.

Every time I send him out to play with the school kids he fights me. Every time. In the third photo I put my cowl on him and told him "I am wrapping you in this, its like I'm wrapping you up in my love and I will be out there with you." He still continued to cry while I dressed him, so my ploy didn't work. However, the next time he went out while our Sweetie and I had an appointment I was told  he insisted on wearing it again, so maybe he liked the thought of me being with him after all. Who knows? I certainly can't figure him out. It should be noted that he ALSO fights coming back inside. I think he just hates getting dressed. I don't blame him, its a lot of bulk!

We are trying to enjoy the snow, but wouldn't hate the spring if it came a bit early.

Around Here

I apologize for the lack of photos. My camera is temperamental, apparently its not good to drop it! If it gets sunnier I may be able to take a few nice ones.

Stomper is nearly potty trained. It's only been a couple of weeks, but he is doing really well. We have to remind him to use the potty and a few times he's taken himself. It's a relief to not buy diapers for him anymore. About a year ago when he grew out of the large size gDiapers we made the decision to not buy the next size up. I wish we had, I thought he'd be trained before now. Live and learn. Our method to potty train is to not: not push, not demand, no coerce, and not force him. 

We keep reminding him that he's a big boy and big boys use the potty. When he tells us he wants to be a baby I remind him of all the things that Our Sweetie can't do because she's a baby. He usually changes his mind rather quickly. I've always maintained that it is better to wait for the child to be ready. Recently someone told me there is a window when they are toddlers that you can train them easily, or wait until they are nearly 4. Since he's strong willed, I think waiting was the best for him. So far, so good!

Our Sweetie is just that, a sweetie. She is such a charmer! She smiles at everyone and we are beginning to coax out a chuckle or two. She is healthy and strong, and continues to amaze us. We are still uncertain of her future. We continue to pray that God prepares us to not fight His plans. God works all things for good. Not for our comfort. Whatever the plan is, He will be glorified in it. 

Stomper is handling being a big brother a little better. We have our good days and our bad days. Some days I feel like I'm really nailing this parenting thing and other days I am an utter failure. My husband assures me that I am a wonderful mother, I fail to see it on our bad days. I know what the problem often is, me, my selfishness; the technology I allow to get between me and my children; and all the little things I keep "busy" with. 

I recently read a post by Hands Free Mama that has encouraged me to chant a mantra: "He's only three. He's only three. Take a breath, he's only three." and to not use the computer for more than a radio. I am finding it hard to disconnect. I want some "down time" and a "free moment" to just focus on me. They won't be little for long though, will they, and then I'll have too much time with out them.

With that in mind, my posts may become more infrequent than they already are, but I'll try and post when I can

To My Friend

Dear Friend,

Recently you asked me a serious question about my infertility and instead of giving you a straight answer I gave you the easy one, I told you that I handle it "with tears" and then tried to brush off your questions by saying stupid things so that you would leave me alone.

I'm sorry.

Your question was a serious one and it deserves a serious answer.

Please forgive me for not giving you the answer you deserve.

When I told you I handle it "with tears" this is what I meant:

I don't touch pregnant women, it's too painful. I rarely hold newborns, it breaks my heart. When teens, drug addicts, and others who don't treat their kids well get pregnant I throw my hands up in the air and scream at God: "Why them and not me?" 

Then, at night, when my husband is snoring I cry.

I'm not as angry at God for my empty womb as I once was. I've cried those angry tears enough nights. I realized that what I needed to do was grieve.

Now when I cry after one of my friends get pregnant I cry for my babies never born. For those brilliant blue eyes of my husband I will never see in our own child, for my Grandfather's smile reborn, or my bushy eyebrows on a little toddler's face. I grieve for my husband and I, who will never experience the unique joy of looking at their offspring and proudly saying: "That right there, that goofy walk, it's in his blood, it comes from me." I grieve as if they had been born and tragically passed away. 

Friend, the pain you feel about your empty womb, I doubt it will go away. If it does I suspect it will take years. Even if you adopt, you may still feel this pain. I know this, because even though I have a son, I still mourn my empty womb.

He is my delight and joy and I would never trade him for the world, but a part of me still wishes.

Wishes to feel that first kick, to know what it is like to bring life into this world, and wishes to create a little person: a little bit of me and a little bit of him.

God is good and He knows our pain. He is the only thing that gets me through my grief when it creeps up on me in the night. I cry and I pray and I thank Him for what I do have. For Stomper, for Honey Bee, for the teens who come to visit, for Our Sweetie, for the children I am able to mother because my broken heart is open.