Peace

Peace

I think we often view peace as the absence of conflict. We think of wars ending, quiet valleys, and humanity getting along with each other.

I have a verse in Job I go to when I am not at peace with God to remind me that God is to be trusted: “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”. Whatever it is that God has planned for my life I am assured that it is for my good, not my comfort, and it will bring Him glory.

Last December we received a call that an infant girl needed a home. This was not the first time we had received a call like that. Two years prior just before Halloween we had been asked to bring a newborn home from the hospital. We loved her for seven weeks before sending her to live with another Foster Family just before Christmas.

Like the time before we said “yes”. Yes we would welcome a child into our home. As I fell on my knees in my bedroom I begged God, “Do not take this baby from me. I don’t think my heart can take much more pain.”

“Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.” Peace flooded over me and I knew that we would be all right. I assumed of course, hoped, that this peace meant that God was going to give me exactly what I wanted.

Over the next eleven months there were moments when I felt that God was going to do exactly what I wanted, that we would get to adopt her. Our Sweetie would be a Hamlin and our family complete. 

There were other times too that it seemed that God wasn’t going to let us keep her, but I kept coming back to that first initial peace.

Then the call came. My dreams, my peace, was shattered. Our Sweetie was not meant to share our last name. Where was that peace I had felt?

I am hurt, confused, and angry with God. I want my happy ending. Where is my peace?

For a time I really questioned the validity of trusting God. It would be far less painful if I took my own fate in my hands and took what I wanted, not wait on God. Being a Christian hardly ever gets you what you want, what is the point?

He gave me a new vision of peace. Having peace with God, resting in God’s peace, is not the absence of conflict; it is a raging ocean. On the surface are my raw emotions, what my heart is feeling: hurt, pain, confusion, and anger. Down deep in the depths is the peace, the calm, which comes from understanding and remembering that God really does have everything under control.

My Mom reminded me of a verse in Mark that illustrates this: “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

I have peace. Some days I really have to dive down deep to find it, but it is there. His peace reassures me that no matter what happens, that He is in control. 

On Skipping Over the Ugly Parts

I haven’t been writing and I couldn't figure out why until I read a post by Ginny that got me thinking. I realized that I haven’t shared because I have been feeling a little two faced. I don’t want to write about the hard stuff, I’d rather you see pictures of happy chickens, a smiling nearly 3 year old, our new kittens, or a beautiful blue sky. Not the ugly stuff, the stuff of life. I know a lot of bloggers go through ths at one point or another; the realization that since this is their blog they can choose the content, even if it means skipping over the ugly parts.

I am making a choice. I have challenges I face (like we all do); things I don’t want to photograph or tell you about. We have all pains and some pains are not safe being shared over the internet.

A fellow blogger summed it up for me:

“No matter the temptation to pour my heart out, this is the internet, and my heart is not the only one on the line.”

That being said I will tell you one of the many things that has been heavy on my heart lately: a sibling for my son.

I am ten years older than my brother. As a child I was confident that I had an older brother, possibly evil, that my parents didn't tell me about. It was too odd being an only child. All my friends had siblings. They all told me, of course, that having a sibling was awful and I was “lucky”. I hated being the only child. We would travel a lot and I always imagined that having a sibling would make being in a strange church easier (my parents were missionaries and would travel to different churches to raise support) and visiting strangers more bearable.

When I got older and dreamt of my family I imagined myself as the mother of a dozen children. They would be spaced close together so that they could play together. There would always be children in my home, I told myself.

My son is almost 3. I wanted him to have a sibling and one on the way by now, according to my own personal timeline. God doesn't take our timeline into account though, does he? My Mom wanted three kids, she got all three; eventually. My sister is 15 years younger than me. Fifteen years is a long time to wait to achieve the goal of three kids.

I know that God has a plan. A perfect plan. Not a plan to make me happy, but one that brings Him glory through my life. Maybe it’s His plan that Stomper is an only child. It hurts to even think about having just one child, but I’m sure God will help me through the pain.

While my heart is heavy I thank God that He saw fit it make me a Mom. Even it means a Mom to only one. There are many women out there with empty arms and hearts full of sorrow.

If you think of it, you could pray for us: for guidance, for wisdom, and for strength to do what God sets before us.

(Photos from the recently family reunion – 5 Generations!)

If you are new to my blog some background information on our journey to being a family of Three:

Adoption Journey

Honey Bee -Stomper was a foster brother for seven weeks and then we said Farewell

Two

Stomper,

Some days I look at you and wonder, "Where did my baby go? I am sure he was just here." other days when I hold you tightly and you snuggle in I know that my baby never left. It has been said time and time again that children will always be their mothers "babies", but I am certain it is true. 

Even though I am sad to have lost my baby I am glad that we are past the time where all you seemed to do was cry, because now you are jumping, running, smiling, bundle of happiness. Everyone who meets you comments on how cheerful you are.As your mother I know that your cheerfulness isn't always easy to see. I see you angry, temperamental, naughty, and defiant; but your disposition remains constant--you have joy.

We have some rough times ahead of us as you make your will known to us. People call it the "terrible twos", but you are not terrible, you are learning. You are learning to listen and obey. You are learning there are consequences to your actions. You are learning the right way to do things like: wash your hands, use a spoon, look at a book, and be gentle to our pets all this learning takes time and patience.

This coming year as we are patient with each other, as we learn to better communicate with each other, I will look for your smile. That smile that warms my heart and helps me to see the sweet sweet boy you are.

Happy Birthday Little Man!

 

While Mama's Been Sick

While Mama's been sick there's been a slight change in the air. A shifting of seasons, a feeling of change, a glimpse of growth. There has been warm sun where there once was a chilly gray sky and there has been a shedding of layers.

Outside the signs of spring are every where. I took a moment from my sickness to get a little sun and fresh air. Jason took me on a little walk (I over did it of course and then had to take a nap) into the woods for a bit of squirrel hunting. I took the camera to get some pictures of growing things. It was so nice to get out into the pines, to smell the air, to feel the sun; I am so glad that winter has passed.

I noticed that a little boy keeps changing and growing too. He has been practicing jumping, making counting sounds, picking up musical tunes, learning to wash his hands like a big kid, learning to annoy the big kids less, he swings on the big kid swings holding on with his little hands like a pro, he's an expert with a spoon too this toddler of mine. 

He looks taller, older, wiser to me. He still loves people and thinks he's the most hilarious thing in the world, except now he doesn't like to be held. He eats everything, as long as he can feed himself. He had liver (just a taste) and onions with Papa and Grandma and several sips of goat milk yesterday; and then he begged for more. At church Jason noticed that he "reads" to himself turning the pages of the book thoughtfully. The dog is beginning to trust him too, now that he's a bit calmer around it. Where did this little boy come from, was it while I was sick?

He spent several over nights at Mimi and Bumpa's house so that we could sleep, so that I wouldn't worry about him feeling neglected. Is that when he grew up? Now that I am out of my sickness fog he seems different to me, it's like he slipped from being an infant to a full blown toddler while I was ill. Or maybe, it took his absence from my life for me to see it?

I am enjoying each snuggle that he allows, each kiss, each book, each tug for me to follow, each new taste, each excitement he shares with me because I know that before I can blink he'll be Mr. Independent and  he won't think he needs his Mama. I am savoring it as long as he lets me. 

Dandelion

Why are children fascinated with dandelions? I remember as a child picking them by the handful and giving them to my mom with pride. Even after I knew that they would barely last a day in a vase, I still would pick some and lovingly put them in a vase for her to enjoy.

Why don't dandelions last in a vase? Why do they wither up and die? They survive the lawn mower and sometimes the weed whacker, but not being plucked....

The daycare kids are always trying to give me the tops of tiny flowers and I thank them and put them in my pocket. Sometimes I say "Oh that is really pretty, but I don't want it. You can save it and give it to Mommy."

I like looking at dandelions, I don't mind at all when the lawn is yellow because of them.

I am very thankful that spring is here and summer is chasing it's heels.

Some Good Stuff

So, I've been feeling a little negative lately about not being pregnant and all that.

(Current pregnant count: 3)

Plus I'm menstruating and that always brings me down. All day yesterday (when I wasn't sleeping) I just felt like crying for no reason. Being a woman can really blow sometimes!

I wanted to take a moment to refocus myself on some good things in my life. It can be so easy to point out all the bad. Anyway...here is a list of all the great things in my life right now (I'm sure there is more...)

1. Loving Husband
2. Loving God
3. Happy Home
4. Roof Over My Head
5. Food in my belly
6. Smallville in my DVD player
7. $750 in debt .. and that is it!!!
8. Mostly working car
9. Jason has a job
10. Jason got the shift he wanted
11. I have a job
12. We added 4 kids for the summer to the daycare which will help a lot with the budget
13. I have a new kitten!! (I told Jason that until he knocks me up he has to get me a kitten every spring)
14. Brand new LCD monitor should be here tomorrow.
15. Clothes to wear
16. SHOES!
17. Awesome siblings
18. Fantastic Boss
19. Furry Animals to love in my home
20. A backyard to hang out in to enjoy the sunshine
21. Goats to watch be dumb (have you ever noticed that our food animals are real stupid? --cows, pigs, chickens, fish, ect--do you think there's a reason for that?)
22. Books to read.


Well, that's good for now, maybe I'll add more later.

Another Sad Happy

I'm evil or selfish or evilly selfish I don't know.

A co-work of Jason's died from a major heart attack. So, my second thought after: "Oh, that is terrible. His poor family and friends...." Was.... "Jason will be put on a better shift!" I'm terrible. I feel awful about my thoughts.

I am sad, really, I am.

But a part of me is a little bit happy.

Cry Baby

I slept wrong Friday night (How fair is that to sleep wrong, I'm asleep I can't help myself, and here I am "sleeping wrong") and now I have this dull ache in my right shoulder area. However, yesterday the pain was bad enough for me to catch my breath everytime I moved it. Then last night as I was settling down into bed (on my back which is not the "wrong" way to sleep) I cried because I could not get comfortable no matter what I did. I just don't handle pain well.

I made an appointment with the massage therapist to see if she could give me any relief, but today it is much better, no sharp, shooting, sudden stabs of pain that travel all the way down my arm.

Whenever I have pain like this it always makes me wonder, how will I handle childbirth pain? I am just thankful for modern medicine and a loving husband who I can beat up since it will be his fault I'm in pain. :)

Questions Answered

I talked to the hubby and can I just say that he is amazing. I am so happy that God gave him to me and that by some strange miracle we found each other and ended up being so "right"? God is good that is all I can say.

I talked to the hubby and lo and behold he is just as frightened as I am about this whole baby thing! :) For some reason knowing he is scared makes me less scared. He tells me that I'll make a good mother and that, "No, I'll never be ready to give up some of my freedoms, but I still want to go through with this and have a baby." He tells me that he'll adjust.

I just hope that if we do get pregnant as soon as I'm hoping (let there be a miracle!) and we can't afford a house, that the room upstairs gets built. I'd like to have one place dog hair free and that will be our upstairs! ....I hope.

Questions

Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder:

• Am I ready for parenthood?
• Am I ready for 2 am feedings?
• Am I ready to give up some of my freedoms & rights? (such as: showering quietly, sleeping in, being alone & quiet in my home)
• Am I ready to responsible 24/7 for someone?
• Is my marriage ready for this?
• Are our finances ready for a baby?
• Do I want a kid for the right reasons?

And then I remember that I have a good man by my side and a loving and supportive family near-by and I realize that, yes, things are going to be different and hard. But in some ways things will be way more fun.

Breastfeeding

Just to add to my worry and fears I found out that with my hypothyroid I may have issues breastfeeding. Such as not having enough milk because my body has a too slow metabalism. I did read though that this woman was able to pump some out and feed to her baby in addition to formula, so that's something good.

Our Story Begins

Jason and I were married May 31, 2008. I have always wanted children and even before we married we discussed children: when to have them, how many, what to call them, and how to raise them. Logic told me that we ought to wait a year to even think about kids (so we could get used to being hubby & wife) but at 28 (almost 29) my clock is ticking.

Recently we decided to quicken the pace and start trying sooner. Due to my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrom) I don't ovulate. No egg no baby. I went to my doctor and she started me on a drug that my doc said should jump start the egg dropping process, but I have to be on it for 6 months! The other day I was feeling a bit depressed about having to wait and then maybe not even having a baby so I went on line to see what I could find.

What I found gave me hope. I found a slew of other women with PCOS that have gotten pregnant, with out this fourth drug that I'm taking (yes I'm on four pills right now!) so tomorrow (sept 2) I'm going to give my doc a call and see if I can stop taking this 6 month pill and go straight to the baby making!

For the first time since I was diagnosed with PCOS (at age 14) I have hope of concieving. I've been pretty hopeless lately. I cry alot. Especially when my friends or family call me with news that so-and-so is pregnant. I even find it hard to hold a newborn, because in the back of my mind I have had this thought that I'll never have one of my own. But, like I said I have hope.