Pregnancy Testing....

Sunday I will take test #4 since passing the one month mark since my last period. I know what I should be doing (calling my doctor) but I'm not sure what is going on in my head as to why I am not...

I had a long "talking to" by a former boss (the Dr. in Boston I used to work for) about TTC and she told me I needed to get serious about it if I was serious about getting pregnant. She told me that there is an "algorithm" for people like me to get pregnant and how I should be tapping into this "algorithm" (she kept using that word and all I could think of was NUMB3RS and how me getting pregnant has nothing to do about math which led to the thought of how much I just really wanted her to shut up...but I digress....) and she was worried that I might not really be ready to be a parent and is Jason ready to be a parent and do we have enough space/money/time/ect to have a baby.

*SIGH*

She put me in a funk and I know I shouldn't let her do that. I give the words power.

I don't know why I haven't called my Dr to ask "what is next". I thought I might this week. I just really, really, really want to get prego on my own & I think that is my problem. I want there to be no problem. I want a miracle. I want to not be broken. So I guess I am rebelling. Which is stupid. I just need to grow up or something...

Or maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I need more time.

I say that, but the not being pregnant, the not knowing kills me. Sometimes I don't cry when I hear about another pregnancy, sometimes though I cry for an hour when I hear someone's happy & lucky news, sometimes I cry when I get another negative test, and sometimes I'm fine.

I'm not strong enough to have infertility. Sometimes I feel as if I make break in half and fall into a million pieces like a dropped glass on a stone floor. I just don't want to be that sad woman with no kids who looks with longing and hatred at all the other mothers as she seethes with jealousy and yet glows with their happiness. I've seen them around in churches and in other places you might find children and I don't want to be her. I have this fear that if we go to the drs and they tell us there is no hope that I will become bitter which will be hard in my profession, but I'm putting the horse before the cart and that does no one any good.

I'm just scared. So scared.

I've fallen away a bit from God lately and I'm trying to get back in the groove of things and I know that will help me with my fear. He promised me a child. He didn't tell me how or when, but he promised me one.

I try to remember that promise and remind myself that even if Jason and I can't concieve that we can adopt. I WILL have a child to love of my own, I just might be really old before we get there.

So pray for me. On Monday I am going to call my doctor to get to the next step. Email me on Tuesday and see if I followed through.

Is it Really a Compliment?

Is it really a compliment if it contains the word 'but'?

I like your drawing, but why is it so grey?

I like you car, but didn't the dealer offer to wash it?

I like your new hair cut, but I liked it the way you got it cut last time better.
It's not that I don't like getting the information. I'm glad to know that this hair cut isn't one he'd like to see again. I just wished he had chosen a different time to tell me that.

I think God should have given men better skills at dealing with women. I don't like this training/teaching/whipping (whatever you want to call it) part. I teach/train/whip children all day long. I'd like at least one relationship to be easy!

Tree Lighting

We went to the Tree Lighting in Portland. Sometime shortly after Thanksgiving. I don't remember when. I had never gone to one before and felt the need to "get in the spirit" since my hubby wouldn't allow me to get a tree (I still don't understand why I couldn't). It was funish. I'm not sure I would do it again.

We did, however, have a grand time eating some Thai food! Yum!

Titus

Titus died.

Apparently he was sick.

The neighbor called us, because they had picked Titus up one day (titus was outside) and recognized him and Titus had a tag on with Jason's number.

Anyway....

Titus disappeared one day after I let him outside. Then stayed disappeared for a week or so. I asked Jason to call the people who had called him before and they said that they hadn't seen him. After another week went by I had Jason call again. This time they told him that Titus had died and gave Jason the number of Titus's real owners.

Jason called the real owner and he told Jason that Titus had gotten sick over the summer but he couldn't take care of the problem. Then Titus disappeared on him for a month. We still have some questions as to why Titus was so skinny, but it is over and done with now.....

Just Wanted to Remember

I have this feeling I'm going to forget I have this site up on the knot. So I'm putting what I wrote there, here, so I don't forget stuff..... :)

ABOUT DELIA
Delia was born in NH on November 26, 1979, raised in ME from 1984-1999, spent some time in MA twice once from 1999-2000 and the second time 2001-2005 before returning home to ME to start a daycare with her mother. She has been a kitchen coordinator, chef, waitress, janitor, butler, maid, nanny, house staff coordinator, nose wiper, boo boo kisser, world and state traveler, errand runner, daycare provider and is looking forward to her up coming role as wife and someday mother.

ABOUT JASON Jason has lived in Maine his entire life starting on July 30, 1988. He has traveled to different countries: Romania, Venezuela, and Belize and volunteered at his church to in order to serve God. He is trained as a firefighter and as a licensed EMS, but has settled for now in the job as Corrections Officer.

HOW WE MET Jason and Delia officially met in 1990 when Jason's family moved in next door to Delia's. However, it would take 17 years and Delia's family moving before they viewed each other as marriage material. They remet in May of 2007 when Delia's temporary roommate announced, "I'm bring Jason Hamlin over to watch a movie with us, I hope that's all right." Jason soon became a fixture in the apartment as he pursued the friendship of Delia's roommate, but someone else had caught his attention. Abandoning thoughts of Delia's roommate Jason set his sights on Delia.Things progressed quickly into romance when Jason lost a bet and had to cook dinner for Delia. Up until that point Delia had not seen Jason as viable marriage material, but that night she saw him as the man he had become. On June 4, 2007 Jason said, "Delia, I think we should date." To which Delia responded, "Yes, I think you are right."

WHEN WE GOT ENGAGED December 24, 2007

HOW IT HAPPENED Christmas Eve 2007 was not a happy time in the Blidberg household. Grandma Shattuck had a major stroke and was preparing to go home to God. Delia's parents had left in the afternoon to go an sit with Grandma and Nancy's sister during the long process of dying.The Hamlin's had already planned on coming over to eat snacks and, not wishing to make things more unpleasant, Delia asked that they still come over. While Delia was preparing food in the kitchen Jason walkedin with a box and says, "I know that we agreed to not give each other Christmas presents this year, but I got you something." He then hands Delia a heavy box.The box's weight confused Delia as she had immediately thought, engagement ring. With all of Jason's family watching Delia opened the box to see a note. She read the first line and skipped down to the one that read: Will you marry me? Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jason bend down on one knee and open a little box, "Will you marry me?" Delia answered by giving him a kiss and saying, "Yes."

I feel better now.