Sunday I will take test #4 since passing the one month mark since my last period. I know what I should be doing (calling my doctor) but I'm not sure what is going on in my head as to why I am not...
I had a long "talking to" by a former boss (the Dr. in Boston I used to work for) about TTC and she told me I needed to get serious about it if I was serious about getting pregnant. She told me that there is an "algorithm" for people like me to get pregnant and how I should be tapping into this "algorithm" (she kept using that word and all I could think of was NUMB3RS and how me getting pregnant has nothing to do about math which led to the thought of how much I just really wanted her to shut up...but I digress....) and she was worried that I might not really be ready to be a parent and is Jason ready to be a parent and do we have enough space/money/time/ect to have a baby.
She put me in a funk and I know I shouldn't let her do that. I give the words power.
I don't know why I haven't called my Dr to ask "what is next". I thought I might this week. I just really, really, really want to get prego on my own & I think that is my problem. I want there to be no problem. I want a miracle. I want to not be broken. So I guess I am rebelling. Which is stupid. I just need to grow up or something...
Or maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I need more time.
I say that, but the not being pregnant, the not knowing kills me. Sometimes I don't cry when I hear about another pregnancy, sometimes though I cry for an hour when I hear someone's happy & lucky news, sometimes I cry when I get another negative test, and sometimes I'm fine.
I'm not strong enough to have infertility. Sometimes I feel as if I make break in half and fall into a million pieces like a dropped glass on a stone floor. I just don't want to be that sad woman with no kids who looks with longing and hatred at all the other mothers as she seethes with jealousy and yet glows with their happiness. I've seen them around in churches and in other places you might find children and I don't want to be her. I have this fear that if we go to the drs and they tell us there is no hope that I will become bitter which will be hard in my profession, but I'm putting the horse before the cart and that does no one any good.
I'm just scared. So scared.
I've fallen away a bit from God lately and I'm trying to get back in the groove of things and I know that will help me with my fear. He promised me a child. He didn't tell me how or when, but he promised me one.
I try to remember that promise and remind myself that even if Jason and I can't concieve that we can adopt. I WILL have a child to love of my own, I just might be really old before we get there.
So pray for me. On Monday I am going to call my doctor to get to the next step. Email me on Tuesday and see if I followed through.
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