I haven’t been writing and I couldn't figure out why until I read a post by Ginny that got me thinking. I realized that I haven’t shared because I have been feeling a little two faced. I don’t want to write about the hard stuff, I’d rather you see pictures of happy chickens, a smiling nearly 3 year old, our new kittens, or a beautiful blue sky. Not the ugly stuff, the stuff of life. I know a lot of bloggers go through ths at one point or another; the realization that since this is their blog they can choose the content, even if it means skipping over the ugly parts.
I am making a choice. I have challenges I face (like we all do); things I don’t want to photograph or tell you about. We have all pains and some pains are not safe being shared over the internet.
“No matter the temptation to pour my heart out, this is the internet, and my heart is not the only one on the line.”
That being said I will tell you one of the many things that has been heavy on my heart lately: a sibling for my son.
I am ten years older than my brother. As a child I was confident that I had an older brother, possibly evil, that my parents didn't tell me about. It was too odd being an only child. All my friends had siblings. They all told me, of course, that having a sibling was awful and I was “lucky”. I hated being the only child. We would travel a lot and I always imagined that having a sibling would make being in a strange church easier (my parents were missionaries and would travel to different churches to raise support) and visiting strangers more bearable.
When I got older and dreamt of my family I imagined myself as the mother of a dozen children. They would be spaced close together so that they could play together. There would always be children in my home, I told myself.
My son is almost 3. I wanted him to have a sibling and one on the way by now, according to my own personal timeline. God doesn't take our timeline into account though, does he? My Mom wanted three kids, she got all three; eventually. My sister is 15 years younger than me. Fifteen years is a long time to wait to achieve the goal of three kids.
I know that God has a plan. A perfect plan. Not a plan to make me happy, but one that brings Him glory through my life. Maybe it’s His plan that Stomper is an only child. It hurts to even think about having just one child, but I’m sure God will help me through the pain.
While my heart is heavy I thank God that He saw fit it make me a Mom. Even it means a Mom to only one. There are many women out there with empty arms and hearts full of sorrow.
If you think of it, you could pray for us: for guidance, for wisdom, and for strength to do what God sets before us.
(Photos from the recently family reunion – 5 Generations!)
If you are new to my blog some background information on our journey to being a family of Three: